May 23, 2021
Dear 5th Ward Members,
Lori asked me if I was going to write on the topic of “snow” this week. I’m really trying to keep these missives “G” rated, however, so I don’t think that would be appropriate.
On the other hand, it does remind me that this letter writing has been, in many ways, a joint effort. I usually just start typing on my iPad’s attached keyboard, often early on Saturday morning. Now, Lori is an early riser, but the keyboard makes a fair amount of noise, so the result is I often wake Lori up before she’s really ready. But she never complains. Instead, she asks what I’m writing about, and I share with her what I’ve done so far. She gives me an idea or two and then I press on.
It usually takes several hours to complete my thoughts. I know that might seem surprising given the letters are only a couple of pages in length, but I want to make sure I’m happy with the final result.
I then read it aloud to Lori and make any final edits, then send it along to Sister Fletcher to be placed on the blog.
There have been times when my words might be harsh, or perhaps too political, so I’m grateful I’m able to have Lori hear them before I send them on for all of you to read. On one occasion, I wrote a long and pointed letter about people who post horrible things on social media, often times hiding behind the anonymity of a self-constructed screen-name. Lori told me it was way too critical and I needed to start again, so I did. The fact was, I knew it wasn’t appropriate or uplifting, and was grateful she agreed. The time spent was actually cathartic for me, but it didn’t need to see the light of day.
Indeed, I try to choose my themes and topics in such a way that they will help at least one person during this time of trial. I hope I’m not too presumptuous in believing I have a duty to reach out in this fashion. Early on in this pandemic, I made phone calls, but that really isn’t something in which I’m particularly skilled. Lori can, and has, made talking on the phone an art form. I envy her ability, but, as my kids point out, I’m maybe not the most empathetic person in the world.
I’m often reminded by our oldest daughter of the time she called home and got me on the phone. She was making broccoli and cauliflower in cream sauce, and wanted to know how to make the cream sauce. I told her you start by making a simple white roux. She then asked if her mom was home. I guess my jumping right to the roux without explaining how to do it wasn’t what she was looking for and I perhaps came off a bit condescending, a weakness I do admit.
However, I like writing letters, even if sometimes the topics can be a little difficult to decide upon or address.
This next week, Lori and I are going away to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. It’s something we have been planning for a little while now, and we are looking forward to getting away. We are heading to the mountains for a few days to just be alone and to reconnect.
I cannot believe we have been together for 40 years. We were married in the Cardston Temple on a beautiful spring day in 1981. I had been home from my mission for just over 8 months. We were both very young, although Lori was far more mature in her views of life than I.
We had dated in high school and for a year at BYU pre-mission, but the possibility of us actually forming an eternal family did not seem likely. However, we knelt across the alter and made those covenants that would bind us together forever and so began our journey.
I’d like to say it has been a perfect 40 years, but it hasn’t. I’d also like to say any bumps in the road were someone else’s fault, but they weren’t. I take full responsibility for the too many down times and credit Lori for persevering and working through our challenges as well as being such a tremendous wife and mother. She has been my rock. Anything I have accomplished, at home, church or work, is directly attributable to her talents and encouragement. Our relationship is what it is because of the examples she has set and efforts she has made. I treasure our time together.
I have, both in my work and in my calling, been involved in situations where people are in a relationship crisis. The difference, of course, is that at work, individuals have, more often than not, decided they wish to terminate the relationship and are trying to do their best to take it out on the other side. That too often children are involved and will therefore be the real victims of a lost association is often lost on the parents.
It is routinely reported that at least one half of all marriages end in divorce. That number, by the way, is up for some dispute by social scientists. It is, however, very possible, given the fact fewer people are actually getting married, that better than 50% of all relationships end in failure.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying some relationships shouldn’t end. The reality is that abuse of many kinds, often fuelled by anger and intoxicants, can result in untenable situations. No one need tolerate abuse of any kind.
But too often, the parties give up on a relationship because it is perceived as the easiest thing to do. That usually doesn’t mean they have given up on relationships in general, just the one they are currently in. Oscar Wilde, in moment of extreme cynicism, said:
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
That comment is neither correct nor uplifting. We all know or exemplify contrary examples. Indeed, we are reminded and taught by The Family: A Proclamation to the World, that families are central to God’s plan. It is Satan’s objective to destroy and denigrate this foundational piece to attempt to upset His eternal formula and prevent us from partaking in it.
The reality is that few relationships are perfect, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t worth working on or saving.
I use the word “work” intentionally. I am concerned that too many failed relationships are because one or both sides are of the view that a perfect alliance will simply happen without any effort, or, at best, if it requires energy, it should be exerted by the other half of the partnership.
This self-centred approach to a relationship can often times result in a complete breakdown in the association. Marriages are often referred to as “partnerships”, and as anyone involved in a business partnership knows, without complete and honest discussion and disclosure, as well as an appropriate delegation of duties and responsibilities, the venture will likely fail.
Now, I don’t profess to be a marriage or relationship counsellor. Academics and researchers from around the world have focused their considerable brain power in an attempt to find some solution to why so many interdependent situations fail to withstand the stresses of day to day life and yet no magic pill or formula has resulted.
No, I simply have had some experience in this area and would like to share my observations.
- Rarely are committed relationships entered into with the intent to end them in failure. Of course, there are exceptions to this particular observation. In a situation where someone marries for money, power or prestige rather than love that may be the inevitable result. However, if the intent to establish a lasting association began with an expression of love and commitment, chances are there was no plan to end it in failure.
- There seems to be a belief that if things are not going to plan, the best thing to do is to end it and move on to something that is bound to be better. Someone close to me, upon being asked to provide some advice to a person going through a difficult time looked at his own experience and said, “If I’d known my second marriage was going to be so hard, I’d have worked harder on my first.” Again, this is not always the case, however, it is true that just because you made mistakes in your first relationship doesn’t mean you aren’t going to do the same thing again in the second. What is more likely to happen is that having gone through difficult times, if you are intuitive enough to see a similar situation arising, you can stave it off with a change in behaviour or approach. It begs the question as why, if it’s possible the second time, you couldn’t have fixed it the first time.
- When people find themselves with difficulties in a relationship, it is easier to blame the other party than try to change their own behaviour. It should be generally understood that a person only has control over their own behaviour and actions. You cannot change your spouse or partner. That is up to them. However, you can show love, patience and understanding rather than animosity, frustration and intolerance. An outpouring of the former can do wonders for a relationship that is on the brink of collapse, while focusing on the latter will probably result in a like response from the other party.
- There is difference between laughing together and laughing at each other. Laughing together will likely require an understanding on the part of both sides that they are not perfect and in this life never will be. Our daughter-in-law sent us a recent series of photos and videos that illustrate this point. They have a wreath hanging on their front door made up of pine boughs and other various sticks and twigs. Much to their surprise, as they were about to remove the wreath to prepare for an upcoming move, they discovered a bird had constructed a nest among the branches and laid three eggs. They excitedly took pictures and posted them on their various social media sites. However, last week, when opening the door, the mother bird flew into the house and took up a perch on a piece of decor located on the fireplace mantel. James, who was the door opener in question, immediately raced into the far reaches of the house, and as Lexi described, was running faster and swearing more than she had ever seen or heard. Her video showed the aforementioned bird happily resting on the decor and James holding up a large blanket in the entrance to the living room, purportedly to “protect the home” from the intruder. As he explained this, I noted his voice was an octave or two higher than normal and I detected what was likely the sound of his racing heart. Lexi, on the other hand, calmly coaxed the bird to change its perch from the decor to a window screen, then took it to the front door where it was released to join her three unhatched offspring. I congratulated James on at least running the video to capture this for posterity. It turns out he was still huddled behind the blanket and Lexi had to perform Wild Kingdom as both cameraman and game handler. It would have been easy to laugh at James and his fear of a tiny bird, but it was far better that he recognized the humour in the situation and his response and lead the joking, even at his own expense. It’s ok to not be perfect.
- Lastly, for my purposes today, let me say that an ability to communicate will make each relationship better. It’s not always easy. Men, on the whole, are terrible communicators, at least when relationships are the subject. However, if both sides are willing to both share and listen, without denigrating or belittling the other party, the positive results far outweigh the possibility of being seen as weak or selfish.
In many ways, the aforementioned observations have a parallel with our relationships with our Father in Heaven. An ability to be humble and honest about our weaknesses, while striving to endure to the end and showing love and compassion for family and significant others and reaching out to Him through frequent and earnest prayer can bring us far closer to Him and His wishes than we will ever realize without those efforts. And as a further benefit, establishing a close relationship with Him will, without question, assist us as we strive to improve our other relationships.
I encourage you all to work on your relationships daily. Even if you are in a great situation now, it can always improve. In a country song entitled “Then”, Brad Paisley sings of how we can have our love grow and our relationships improve throughout our lives as follows:
Now you're my whole life
Now you're my whole world
I just can't believe
The way I feel about you girl
Like a river meets the sea
Stronger than it’s ever been
We've come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then
When we find situations where our most important association is wavering, look back to what brought you together in the first place and try to recapture the magic that existed then and bring it into the present. Most relationships are worth the effort to maintain and sustain them.
Next Sunday, we are back to church at 9:00 am, however, only for a limited number of participants. Right now, that number is 15. Unless you are invited to attend, that means we ask you to join us via Zoom.
Stay safe, stay healthy and social distance.
We love you all.
Bishop Brooks
Bishop Brooks
