*The number one ingredient to destroy a relationship is "SELFISHNESS".** Joseph Smith said, "Charity covers a multitude of mistakes."
A) FOUNDATIONS:
SAFE: We need to feel safe in a relationship...
-Don't use sarcasm (especially in public)...there is always a barb in it. Just don't do it. People may laugh but inside the damage is deep.
-Needless criticism: Use clarity, (that's what 'reproving with sharpness means' from the scriptures) be clear, but do not do it in anger, use the spirit. An outpouring of love afterwards.-Never use inappropriate manipulations, threats, cold shoulder etc. Be kind.
TRUST:
Confidentiality is critical in every marriage and relationship.
*Women need more work in this area, for real. Never, never share with others about your spouse. It is just not right.
-Sharing your own feelings is fine, but not your spouses'.
If you need to share about your spouse, go to the Bishop or a Counsellor, no one else.Reliability is where men need the most work. Communicating emotions for men is hard, Men can say things that they are committed to but sometimes don't follow through on. To a woman if you say something you meant it. Men usually are singularly focused on one thing...women are multi-taskers. Our brain functions are wired this way! We are different from each other and that does not mean we are wrong.
** MEN and WOMEN need VALUES... we need to have the same values at home, church, at work...everywhere we are, we should be the same person.
--Marriage Relationships are a huge influence on our children for better or for worse. How spouses treat each other defines a child's life.
UNDERSTANDING:
* Unselfish Listening. Seek first to understand and then to be understood. Just listen. Do not offer advise. Just listen. Do not lecture. Do not try to rescue or fix. Just listen carefully and with full intent. Try to listen from their perspective.
ATTITUDES: Attitudes are so important.-right vs. wrong...you don't always have to be right.
-superior vs. inferior; better than vs. genuine understanding
-selfish defensiveness vs. selfless caring
(Selfish defensiveness...when you are wrong and don't want to be wrong)
-judgmental vs. charity
**In a RELATIONSHIP, every one has a right to be ASSERTIVE, if done kindly, however, no one has a right to be AGGRESSIVE !
**Real joy is found in 'Relationship Depth'. In the Garden of Eden there was no depth in Adam and Eve's relationship. It was too perfect. They needed to get kicked out of the garden.
Real joy is in learning together through failures and successes. This helps us find out who we are and what we can become. Mortality is the here and the now to learn and grow from our 'depth relationships', especially marriage.
B) SKILLS: Get your emotionally charged voice under control as 'you' messages hammer a person down.
TRUE "I" MESSAGES: avoid the word 'you' when communicating, understand personal boundaries, used when sharing concerns.
-Do not say, "You are so messy and are driving me crazy." (Immediate shut down in communicate and defensiveness raises it's ugly head.)
-Instead say, "I am frustrated because I just cleaned this room, please pick up your socks."
* We are raised with 'You Messages' and learn to be defensive when we hear a 'you message' directed at us.It sounds like an aggressive accusation.
-'I messages' give us a better chance to succeed in our relationships.
** Raise our children and grandchildren with "I Messages"
ACTIVE LISTENING: Suspend your own agenda while listening and really try to understand.
-When trying to understand another, avoid giving advice, questioning, rescuing, judging.
You feel ____________ (put in an adjective) because _______ (situation, event, experience, etc.)
-Personalize
You feel ________ because you _______________.
-When repeating multiple or conflicting emotions
You feel _______ because ______ and you feel ____ because _______ .
*After feeling more comfortable with the above format (it is a work in progress and not easy to do), then put it into your own words:
Sounds like.... It seems.... It must have been....
** MEN tend to want to FIX things in relationships and WOMEN tend to want to RESCUE.
** MEN are usually more moody and WOMEN are usually more emotional. BOTH ARE OKAY, we are both just different and need to learn to be careful in our relationships.
NONVERBAL; IMPLIED MESSAGES:
-Eye contact, posture, attention, touch, tone of voice, etc.
-Can be either positive or negative--often felt and reacted to at a subconscious level.
-Non verbal messages are powerful...for bad and good.
-Implied messages...give sincere notes to your spouse/relationship, to be read in private and unexpectedly.
EDUCATION: Educate yourself on gender differences!
There are many good books and articles out there to educate and empower us to have good relationships! Men and Women are different and that is okay.
*A recommended book: "The Five Love Languages" *Great Articles to read: (handouts from Brother Zemp)
"Unrighteous Dominion" (H. Burke Peterson. Ensign 1989)
"The Invisible Heartbreaker" (Judy C. Olsen, Ensign 1996)
**BOTTOM LINE in a successful relationship of any kind is "CHARITY" AND "BEING UNSELFISH"!!
☺Thank you to the Relief Society for this heartwarming and VERY informative evening held Thursday, January 21st.
It was the best 'Relationship Seminar' most of us have ever attended!
Brother Logan Zemp (Speaker) is the Temple Recorder and has his masters in counseling, plus he has been the area co-ordinator of the seminaries and institutes in Calgary and Edmonton before returning to his home town to serve in the temple.
